Conversation as a spiritual practice

Seeking to attune to one another rather than agree with, or win over, the other. 

Conversation as a contemplative spiritual practice enables us to attune to one another. When we attune to one another trust is cultivated. In turn, trust leads toward an ever-deepening experience of connection, even between individuals who hold disparate views. In this way, conversation as a spiritual practice is not simply a matter of pooling together various ideas, opinions, and beliefs. Rather, conversation becomes a contemplative spiritual practice through which we experience profound interpersonal connection as we nurture authentic community which is comprised of unity with diversity. 

We seem to be speaking different languages!

A conversation involves both listening (receiving) and responding. Sounds pretty self explanatory doesn’t it?  However, we do not listen or respond objectively. How we hear, and for that matter what we hear, is framed by a certain interpretive view, or belief system. Philosopher and theologian, the late Bernard Lonergan taught: "What does not fit into our interpretive view will not be heard, or if heard will be deemed irrelevant." For example: how often are we in the middle of a conversation with someone and we think to ourselves, "They are not listening to me." Or, "This is really important to me, and yet they don’t seem to care." Or, "Do we come from different planets? We seem to be speaking different languages!!”

It is not so much that we are speaking a different language in terms of the actual words. However, we may be speaking a different language in terms of what we mean when we speak, and what is understood or received by the other person/s. Why? Because our words are packed with meaning. As such our language is not simply words that we speak and hear. The words we use in conversation are loaded with meaning . . . our meaning. And our meaning is informed by our current belief system.

Our interpretive view

To be human is to view ourselves in life through a particular interpretive framework or lens. Lonergan taught: "Our interpretive lens filters all that we see, hear, and know." Our interpretive view impacts our conversations, for how we interpret a word will determine our response. However, as a general rule, we are not even aware that we are conversing through a particular filter.

How do we develop our particular interpretive lens? Several elements are involved such as: personality traits, the beliefs and norms of family; local communities; cultural/religious traditions; and ongoing life experiences. Are we trapped within a particular interpretive view? Some people do become trapped. However, if we remain open and receptive to the interplay between our life experience and our current interpretive view, it is possible to continue to expand, or when necessary, transform our current view.

Conversation as a contemplative spiritual practice

Within the light of the above understandings, the question could be posed: "is it ever possible to engage in conversation as a contemplative spiritual practice?" The response to that question is, YES it is possible. Even though our conversations are shaped by our current view and our meanings, it is possible to attune to one another. It is the quality of attuning to one another that generates an environment of trust. Through an environment of trust we may experience profound interpersonal connection, even with people who hold disparate views.

We attune to one another via: a contemplative orientation, a beginner's mindset, and posing open-ended questions.

A contemplative orientation

A contemplative orientation is one where we let go the desire to control the experience and in the words of Thomas Merton: "we surrender to the creative action of love and grace in our hearts." Within such an orientation we engage in conversation with an openness to where the creative action of love and grace may be drawing us. Such a tender, yet courageous, stance requires an attitude of curiosity and non-judgmental exploration. It also requires whole-body listening, where we notice what is happening in our bodies as well as our thinking, in response to the conversation.

Surrendering to the creative action of love and grace in our hearts aligns somewhat with the term dialogical dialogue, referred to by McEntee and Bucko in their book, The New Monasticism. For them, dialogical dialogue:

A beginner's mindset

Within the Zen Buddhist tradition, Suzuki states that a beginner's mind encompasses: openness, curiosity, lack of preconceptions, comfort with the unknown, a mind that can 'be with' the present moment.

In terms of engaging in conversation with a beginner's mindset, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry Daniel Siegel's teaching is extremely helpful. According to Siegel, there are two ways in which we perceive and process information. One way is through the constructor mind. The constructor mind involves us: "top-down conceptualizations, where prior experience is activated, making it difficult to notice the unique and vibrant details of what is happening here and now." The second way we perceive and process information is through the conduit mind. The conduit mind involves: "bottom-up processing, leading to the circuitry in the brain beyond the top-down filters of prior experience. Bottom-up perception is experienced as a conduit of sensory experience where we are seeing the unique aspects of what is in front of us." So, if we intentionally unhook from the top-down constructor mind and drop into the bottom-up conduit mind of sensory experience, we can listen and respond from a beginner's mindset.

Posing open-ended questions

Bernard Lonergan taught: "We humans are created to wonder, to question and discover responses." As we do so, we can: "transcend the limits of our current view." For Lonergan, open-ended questions lay at the heart of self-transcendence. Open-ended questions allow the light of transformative shifts to break through the limitations of our current view. Open-ended questions emerge quite naturally from a beginner's mindset. When we pose open-ended questions in conversation, we are creating space for each participant to remain open to transformative shifts in their view, if and when they emerge.

Standing in our own ground, openheartedly

So, even when we are in conversation with individuals who hold disparate views, if we can remain in a contemplative orientation, with a beginner's mindset, and pose open-ended questions, the conversation will allow each participant to attune to one another, or in the words of Parker Palmer: "to truly see and hear each other." In the act of truly seeing and hearing each other, we do not need to agree with each other, however, we will be able to listen and respond in such a way that each participant will experience a kind of resonance, or what Siegal names as "feeling felt." Such an experience of feeling felt gives rise to an environment of trust.

In light of such understandings, the intention of conversation as a contemplative spiritual practice is more than a simple pooling of ideas, opinions, and beliefs. Also, conversation is more than seeking to win a debate. Rather, the intention of conversation as a spiritual practice is to attune to one another and in so doing, to cultivate trust and deep connection. Such a practice involves, in the words of McEntee and Bucko, "an opening oneself to the other without fear of losing one's positions." Without fear of losing our positions, we drop our defensiveness and allow the conversation to affect us on its own terms. The metaphor I find helpful for such an understanding is: standing in our own ground, openheartedly.

Signs that we are attuning to one another in conversation are:

• listening without thinking of our response

• allowing silences

• holding an attitude of truly wanting to see and hear the other person/s truth

• speaking from our truth even if it differs from the other person/s

• allowing the conversation to affect us on its own terms

Signs that we are not attuning to one another in conversation are:

• racing in to fix or rescue the other person/s

• giving unwarranted advice

• shrinking from who we are, or, defending our position

• making assumptions about the other person/s motives

• unwarranted fact-gathering

• seeking to control the experience

As we engage in conversation as a contemplative spiritual practice, we are nurturing authentic community which is comprised of unity with diversity, within an environment of trust. In turn, we are cultivating dynamic, yet peaceful relationships.

Resources

Parker J. Palmer, Hidden Wholeness: The Journey towards an Undivided Life: Welcoming the Soul and Weaving Community in a Wounded World

Bernard Lonergan, Method in Theology

Daniel J. Siegel, MD, Mind: A journey to the heart of being human

Rory McEntee & Adam Bucko, The New Monasticism: An Interspiritual Manifesto for Contemplative Living